This Feeling - HashiMada -
by Shisui-san
Summary: Madara's neglect, Hashirama's pain, Maybe the pain will get to his brain.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello, guys! I'm back with another fanfiction. Sorry for not being here, but Happy New Year and since Valentines Day is coming up, Happy Valentines! Anyways today, we have HashiMada, enjoy! ( Some TobiIzu will be mentioned in this as well ;3 ) Review please!**_

 _ **Plus, this story will be written in Hashirama's P.O.V. plus this will be Modern AU.**_

I watched Madara, how he always decided to things his way. It's not that I cared or wanted to be so self-centered, it was because the way he directed it towards me. I don't understand as much as he thinks I do. Or maybe...he knows I don't understand. Our relationship has been back and forth, and surprisingly we don't ever argue. It's probably because Madara acts like such a seme, when he's just a submissive uke. And it's probably because Madara forces me to do things, and I go along with it, as if nothing's happening. As if he's not pushing me away, time after time. I mean yes, Madara is an Uchiha, and Uchiha's are stubborn, and less affectionate than us Senju. I'm not saying I'm growing out of affection, but I think Madara is not wanting me to, even if I do grow out of affection. Tobi and Madara's little brother, Izuna, have a successful relationship but Madara doesn't accept Izuna being with my brother.

He keeps saying,

 _"If he hurts my brother again, I will kill him."_

I'm not surprised if he actually did, but even Izuna confronts his brother and says, _"Stop hurting him!"._ There was this point in time where Madara was still extremely livid at Tobi for almost killing Izuna, to the point he would always keep doing horrible and despicable things to him. I'd try to stop him [ Madara ] from attacking and threatening my brother, but he would always push me away. Right now, in the present time, Madara is literally telling me when and when not I'm allowed to touch him. I watched how he narrowed he narrowed his eyes towards me and he continued to talk and lecture me. I held myself back from an upside down smile, and just observed him. Moments after, I adverted my eyes.

He always says, _"You know I love you right?"_

I'd always smile and nod. But now, it just feels like less and less. Like, he's lying to me. Sometimes I feel like crying, and begging for him to tell me what's wrong.

"Hashirama, you should know there's a time and a place to show affectionate?", he asked, raven-colored strands of his hair went over his left eye. I waited a few seconds but nodded in response. The Uchiha clicked his tonge, and crossed his arms. "Then you should know not to give me affection like that..."

I nod and put up a nice, gentle smile, saying that, I understood and I won't do it again. I lied. I can't help it. I love Madara and everything about him, even his cold, threatening attitude, even how he threatened my brother.

But sadly, it feels like I suffer from loving him.

If I tell Madara how I feel, how I really, really, feel...he will not care. He'll think I'm just spitting sappy words, for which he does not want to hear. Every time I would hug him, kiss him on the cheek, or even intertwine my hand with his, he'll give me a blank look and ask, _"Why are you touching me?"_. Like we've never met, like we've never kissed before. So there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I need to do at this point. When our relationship first started, I was so happy and it looked like Madara was too. At least, just a little bit. I see those looks Izuna gives me, how he would give me that sympathetic look every time Madara pushes me off. It's like he's not trying to pity me, but he's saying, _"I'm sorry you have to deal with a brother like mine."_ I'd stare at Izuna for a few seconds then give a closed-eye smile and wave my hand dismissively, replying, _"It's okay! I'll handle him! So don't worry!"_. Then, the younger Uchiha would always give a grateful smile and bow in thankfulness.

I think I proved myself wrong.

I don't think I can handle Madara. There's this feeling, when I get around him. It's like a piercing in the pit of my soul, and my heart. I don't know how to explain it. It's like I know how to say it mentally, but I can't say it aloud, and every time, every moment I try, it get's lodged in my throat and it feels like I can't even breathe and my heart stops.

 _As I struggle to breathe through these corrupted lungs of mine,_

 _How can I see,_

 _How can I tell you,_

 _That you're the light that makes us both shine._

 _But sometimes I wonder if you want to be on the stage,_

 _If you want to be with me,_

 _Or if you want me locked in a cage._

 _Why does this feeling get to me so much?_

 _Like I can't even stop myself from thinking that you don't accept my touch?_

 _Or maybe what I'm thinking is true,_

 _ **And I just don't need to be with you...**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! What's up? THE SKY .3.**

 **Anyways, just thought I'd continue this, since this specific story was stuck in my mind this past week. This one is still in Hashirama's P.O.V. And I think it might change in the next chapter. Enjoy!**

I walked into the cafe, the young Uchiha opened the door for me and in return I put a thankful smile on my face. Once a waiter with a brown slick back ponytail, saw Izuna, he waved and greeted me with a bow. He then showed us to our Reserved Table, which was a booth, as Izuna sat on the right and I sat on the left. The young Uchiha blew a strand of hair out from his face as he looked at me, blinking slightly. No, this wasn't a date. It's just that Izuna has been noticing how more closed-in I act around his brother, and he wanted to take some time off from his day, including Tobi and take me to a cafe to drown away my mixed emotions. For someone who's brother is Madara, Izuna is nicer than you think.

"Are you okay?", were the first words that came out of his mouth, as soon as we took our seats.

I immediately felt my body tense up at those words, as I blinked, trying to let my body calm down.

"I'm-"

"And don't tell me you're okay, because I know you're not!", the long pony-tailed Uchiha cut me off. I felt those words get stuffed down my throat as I swallowed hard and quickly looked down. The Uchiha sighed slightly.

How come when it comes to me, I'm so easy to put together? Am I just that open-minded? I didn't know people could read me so easily until now.

"Hashi-san..I know what's going on. I would talk to my brother about how you're feeling, but the only problem is, he doesn't listen to me also he doesn't want me to interfere with you two. He thinks if I leave you two alone, and stop frequently checking on you, everything will be fine.."

My eyes became half-lid when I heard him. So he tells his brother the same thing? His _little_ brother? When will Madara understand that all because he's got muscle and mental stability, doesn't mean other people are exactly like him? And he cannot force them to do so, nor should he manipulate anyone. And that's exactly what I told Izuna, who in response gave a frown. It wasn't an angry frown that I was talking about Madara. For God's Sake, he's practically the reason I went to this cafe in the first place! This frown was telling I was correct and Madara _SHOULD_ stop.

Suddenly, Izuna clapped his hands together and lowered his head, his bangs going in front of his face.

"Hashirama...I'm so, so, sorry. You don't deserve to deal with Madara's not affectionate behavior. I understand that all you've been doing to him was sacrificing your time and your mind just to be with him, and I'm sorry Madara doesn't realize it. But I assure you, Madara has a complete reason to act this way!"

I blinked twice. There was no reassuring smile this time. I couldn't smile. Izuna then reached into his pocket and pulled out a mini-booklet that was pocket sized. Once he opened it, the book showed pictures of him, Madara and three others doing silly poses and goofy looks. I tilted my head slightly, not sure if I should actually believe this is _Madara_ in these photos.

"Look, I know what you're thinking. Okay, so here..this one's me..", he says, pointing to himself in the photo, with a cockatoo hairstyle. "This one is Madara.."

In the photo, Madara had spiky hair, with bangs that fell in front of his ears. He also had a cross-eyed look on his face, which made me snicker slightly.

"Wait, who are the other one's?", I asked.

"Our brothers..."

I blinked and snapped my head up, seeing Izuna gazing over the pictures, a warm smile on his face. Knowing Madara's cold personality, he never had uttered a word about his family, only Izuna. Nothing more, nothing less. He actually told me that I wasn't allowed to ask any questions about his family, only if it was about his father.

"You have brothers?!", I asked, astonishment staining my voice.

"Yeah, I'm the youngest!", the ponytailed Uchiha chirped.

"What happened to them? How come Madara won't say anything about them?", I questioned. With those two questions, Izuna went silent. He didn't have an expression, he just gazed at me with empty eyes. As if I hit a hard spot inside of him.

"They died..while we were still so young. Madara couldn't protect them, and he felt extremely guilty about it. So he's been locked up inside his own little world.."

I looked down at the pictures and saw them all together, happy and gleeful, even Madara. He had smiled. His smile was like a smile I've never seen. Looking at his smile, made me smile. I can only imagine the encouraging words he had said back in those days. But the more I recall him frowning or scowling over me, a frown quickly drew it's way back to my face. Why can't Madara still smile like that till this day?

A few minutes after looking over pictures, a female waiter with rosy cheeks and long, curly black hair greeted us with bright smiles. As I looked at her smile, then Madara in the photo, their smiles were about the same, except his were brighter. We ordered our drinks and our food, then thanking her. After she left, Izuna closed the booklet and stuffed it back into his pocket. "Hashi-san, all I can do is explain and beg for forgiveness. I don't know how to stop my brother, and if I get too involved, he might attack Tobi and-"

"Hey, hey! Calm down! There's no need to keep apologizing", I say. The male looked up at me slightly, blinking a few times.

"But what abo-"

"Don't worry Izuna. This time, I don't have to place a burden on you're shoulders. You can just relax now. I promise I'll handle Madara on my own.."

Izuna stared at me, his eyes giving me a worried yet happy look. But on his face, a wide, kind and generous smile spread across his face.

"Thank you and good luck..!"

Trust me, Izuna, I'm gonna need all the help I can get.

 _ **I see you there,**_

 _ **I see you oh so far,**_

 _ **Wondering when you'll care.**_

 _ **But sometimes I think you do,**_

 _ **And sometimes I think you don't,**_

 _ **You're manipulation to my soul makes my mind feel blown**_

 _ **I know what's going on now,**_

 _ **But why take it out on me?**_

 _ **After all I've done,**_

 _ **I'm still a puppet on you're strings.**_

 _ **Do you need help? Do you want me here?**_

 _ **Because through my eyes,**_

 _ **It seems you don't even want me near.**_


End file.
